Being Read With Myself

"Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult risk we can take is, to be honest with ourselves." -Walter Anderson

Time and time again, I feel as though I am being tested. It seems, no matter how hard I try, I am perpetually falling short in every conceivable area of life. And yet, I have managed to make it this far. At least, that is what I continue to tell myself.

The past two years have been anything but easy for my family, internal and external. In addition to the global pandemic, a large number of my family members have been called home. Even now, it feels as though we are having a homegoing celebration every month, and to be frank, it doesn't get any easier, no matter how many times you go through the motions.

To compound my heartaches, I have spent the last year and a half validating and explaining myself as a parent and an individual. So much so that at one point, I considered throwing in the towel. Had it not been for my familial support systems, I most likely would have. However, I have come to accept that there is still work left to be done, and until I have fulfilled my calling, I am here for the long hall. It took months for me to come to terms with this reality, but I am here now, and I plan to take it one day at a time.

At the start of this post, I made note that I feel as though "no matter how hard I try, I am perpetually falling short in every conceivable area of life". This is a painful feeling, one of which I come into this blog post agonizingly aware of. It seems no matter how many steps I take forward, I am forever being snatched back tenfold. When I first resurrected this blog, my intentions were to document my passions for language, civil discourse, personal journeys, the arts, humanities, life experiences, and the like. Though I must admit, things haven't worked out as I initially thought they would.

With everything happening in the world and in my life, I have literally placed on hold the things that make me happy to pick up the pieces and accommodate the needs of others. In the midst of this, however, I have forgotten about myself. Over the past two years, I have allowed outside forces to dictate my life. I have allowed them to tell me who I am, what I am, and how I should be as a person. It wasn't until this week that I felt vindication in being me, in myself, and in that small moment, I realized that the experiences I have had over the past two years of my life will NOT be the experiences of my children.

Granted, a lot of this blog post is vaguely written. It is where my heart is at the moment. During my time away, I have realized much about myself and my place in the world. I have been on this personal development journey for a while now, and I feel that I am at a place where I can begin to talk about my feelings and share my thoughts on my experiences as I navigate them.

A few months back, I took a series of life coaching sessions that aided me in the realization that I am not making the most of my life. In fact, my time in coaching was filled with tears and the uncovering of skeletons, of which I vowed to leave where they lay. It wasn't until the close of our sessions that I realized I had abandoned me I used to be and instead cultivated a stranger that even my eight-year-old daughter fails to recognize. One of my lowest moments as a parent was when my daughter (in the most respectful way an eight-year-old can) said in passing that I had changed, and she was not a fan in the slightest. It was in moments like that where I realized I had changed. I had become defeated as a person. I began to put Sagitariuses all over the world to shame. I became docile and meek. I had lost my edge, motivation, drive, and, frankly, my overall purpose in life. To say I had fallen into a depression would have been an understatement.

It has taken me months to get to where I feel "okay" enough to return to my blog. However, I am nowhere near taking my foot off the starting block when jumping back into life post the past two years. I am ready to reclaim and regain a sense of normalcy within my life, even if it isn't for myself then for my children and husband.

I want to level up my life, take life by the reigns, and cultivate my own path. One best suited for my family unit to grow and prosper together. A life where I know that I have the tools and life skills to lead a successful life and pass on those tools with my children so that they are better prepared to navigate the world. I do not want my children (or grandchildren) to experience the pain and distress that I am currently traversing, and I plan to do everything to ensure they have the means to overcome any obstacles that might come their way.

I want to thank you for taking the time to read my post, and I hope you return to grow with me as I take on life's endeavors one day at a time.